This is not a pity-party post even though it might seem like one. The last two months have been so oppressively hot and I am so much heavier now from pandemic isolation and inactivity. My mind imagines all sorts of wonderful things I could do and then I am sabotaged by my body that seems to say, “rest, rest, rest.” So I have been resting. I am listening. And, deep down, I know what I have to do to regain my spark. Yes, I know what I need to do.
This year many of my loved ones are dealing with difficult health issues. I want to spend time with them all but it is simply not an option—logistical challenges thwart me. Many of my friends have died. I swing back and forth between wanting to talk about them, to write about them, to honor them in some way, and wanting to stay still and quiet and stay in the moment and trust that they know I care about them, even if they are gone now and I will never see them again on this Earth.
Each day I have struggled to gather enough energy to endure random challenges, emotional or physical, including back pain I have activated through my self-neglect. I’m sometimes very tired of myself and my seeming lack of fortitude, but then I forgive myself and focus on any small thing I am able to create or accomplish, even if it is simply to be in the moment and to let go of past losses and future expectations.
But, really, I am not looking for advice or consolation—I have this figured out. So, I am now looking forward to the crisp weather and opportunities to walk outside. I have a plan and can’t wait to enjoy the cool Autumn air as part of it.
And…Good news…I have not had ANY variant of the COVID19 virus. I am so grateful that because of my consistent isolation I have been able to babysit for my grandson and not worry about exposing him at all. I have been fairly confident because I very rarely leave my cave/apartment. I do not expose myself to anyone outside my family “bubble”. I have also been able to engage in a few creative activities and have begun to plan for others. So I am very hopeful my sloth-like life will be a bit more energized soon.
#1: To celebrate my older daughter’s birthday we spent a wonderful afternoon creating water-marbled paper and fabric. We both plan to use what we made in other creative projects. [Side note: I was grateful for the sciatica pillow she had waiting for me at her table.]
#2: I have been grateful for patches of quiet time to create collages and other pieces that explore issues I need to think about on a deeper level. My journals have become my confidants. I adorn them with watercolor and drawings, images and collages. Right now they mark where I am. One day I will look back on them and be able to trace my path forward.
#3: I am reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and learning more about mindfulness and more fully appreciating what I am doing, feeling, and thinking at any given point in this illusion of time.
#4: I have been able to maintain a lovely correspondence with a sponsored child in South America. This pen-pal relationship brings me a lot of joy. [I had planned to include some information about this in a “Random Acts of Correspondence (Part 2)” post I intended to share here last month. But last month is just a blur and I did not finish drafting that piece. My hope is that I will be able to get it published in September—Watch this space! -Laurie.]